Guest post: The First Year of the Third Decade of the Age of Stupid, by the Venerable Bede

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31/12/2020 by ChrisJamesAuthor

“And lo, at the beginning of the First Year of the Third Decade of the Age of Stupid, a Great Pestilence did make its way from the East along the Silk Road, and did cause much harm and bring vast Misery and Death to the countries of the West and the New World.

“But this was the Age of Stupid, when people turned their backs on the Men and Women of Knowledge.  Yay, verily, in the New World, the disciples and acolytes of the Orange Shit-Gibbon did follow their Master’s teachings, unto the arms of Death itself, for they did not believe the Great Pestilence was real because they could not see it with their own eyes.  Indeed, His disciples and acolytes did curse and spit on the Men and Women of Knowledge, and did reject the evidence that Knowledge brought forth even as the Great Pestilence did fill their lungs with foul liquid and they breathed their last.  Such was the Age of Stupid.

“And lo, His Majesty the Mighty Musk, the Poster Boy for the Age of Stupid, did explode many rockets in the sky in celebration of the False Genius of the Orange Shit-Gibbon, and did try to convince the whole world that He did something remarkable, although in truth it was no different to the rockets others had exploded before the Age of Stupid.  Yay, and even His rockets did not explode as planned, which happened often.  Such was the Age of Stupid.

“In Perfidious Albion, the Greased Albino Piglet strove to pretend to care for all the common people; but, lo, He gave out all of the Gold to His associates of knaves and charlatans, who did cluster about Him in the same manner as insects do weave and dive and fret about excrement.  In Perfidious Albion, too, did thousands perish needlessly from the Great Pestilence, but this did not matter because the Hoarders of the Gold could protect themselves, and did reason that because they hoarded all of the Gold, they were better and their lives worth more than the common people.  Such was the Age of Stupid.

“And lo, when the Men and Women of Knowledge found an antidote to the Great Pestilence, those who had cried the loudest, those who claimed there was nothing to fear from it, those who bleated that the poor and old and infirm should be glad to embrace Death to protect the imaginary creation of yet more Gold, were the first to scuttle like rats to be inoculated against the Great Pestilence, for their Gold did allow them all manner of advantage to which the furthest extremes of Hypocrisy and Cowardice were no barrier.  Such was the Age of Stupid.

“Near the end of the First Year of the Third Decade of the Age of Stupid, in the New World the common people did throw off the yoke of the Orange Shit-Gibbon, but, alas, they did make the same error that many knaves and fools had made for centuries before them.  For the Age of Stupid had created such a dissonance and cacophony of lies that the Seeds of Permanent Chaos had been sown, and had found fertile soil in ignorance and wasted passions.  Yay, verily, the common people were immersed in a dense fog of Darkness and Chaos made by the Hoarders of the Gold, so that Blindness did descend upon all common people, until they knew not what was right and what was wrong.  Such was the Age of Stupid.

“Perfidious Albion did choose, with willingness and such foresight as centuries of misplaced Anger and Hatred could afford, to cut itself off from those to whom it sold the vast mass of its wool and tallow and other trifles.  Innumerable lies and half-truths promulgated by the Hoarders of the Gold did lead the common and ill-educated people to shun their neighbours, and Spite made them remove themselves from their fellow European peoples in such a manner as a man with a boil on his toe would willingly have his surgeon amputate his whole leg to ‘cure’ himself.  Such was the Age of Stupid.

“And thus did the Hoarders of the Gold ensure complete safety for their fortunes.  Through chicanery and subterfuge did they swindle and trick the poor and ill-educated multitudes.  The Seeds of Permanent Chaos were sown in this First Year of the Third Decade of the Age of Stupid.  Some of the common people saw through this Great Deception, some cried out that all people should return to follow Knowledge once again, and escape the Darkness and Chaos.  But, alas, it would transpire to be too late, for only Greed and Lust and Gold would hold sway over most of the common people for many decades to come.

“Yay, verily, there would come a time many centuries hence when chroniclers of the past would argue long and late into the night over whether the Hoarders of Gold or the Great Pestilence had wrought the vaster misery.  Such is the Age of Stupid.”

This Most Especial Guest Missive from the Venerable Bede has been sent from AD 730 to AD 2020 by TTZ, your time travel experts ready to meet all of your time travel needs!